The past few weeks have found me battling a lot of inner turmoil. I have struggled with how much to say here. But one thing…one thing I know. I know how much it would help me if I could talk to someone in my situation, someone who is dealing with the same things I am, someone who has been where I’m walking right now.
And so I have decided to be open and honest about my struggle in dealing with my son’s homosexuality. I’ve shared a little bit already but there’s a lot I’ve kept to myself.
In doing this, I know I am making myself vulnerable. And I have to say that that scares me.
One thing I want to address – in no way am I saying that what I’m going through is the very worst thing that could ever happen. I know my son is still alive, and I am thankful for that. And I am thankful that he wants to have a relationship with us. I am thankful for a husband who shares this burden with me, one who must be hurting himself but loves his son whole-heartedly.
That, in itself, is something I struggle with. It’s a conundrum. I struggle with the fact that I am struggling even though I have everything in the above paragraph. I have a son who is alive, who desires a relationship with his parents, and a husband who is supportive.
So why? Why is this so darn hard? How do I show unconditional love without showing approval for his sinful behavior? How do I get past the feelings of intense…I’m just gonna say it…disgust for the homosexual lifestyle?
I know that the only way I can do this is with the help of God. And I know He is faithful. Somehow, some day, this will bring glory and honor to God’s name…even if it is just the way my husband and I learn to lean on Him. My prayer is that somewhere down the road, my journey will help another mother seeking to love a son who says he is gay.
April 16, 2009 at 3:44 am |
Hi..I happened to click onto your blog the day you first wrote about your son. I’ve stopped back a couple of times and while I’m not in your situation I just wanted to say that I have been praying for you, for wisdom and for peace. I’m sure by writing honestly you are speaking to other moms out there. I also think it’s okay to vent some…when we are going thru something difficult we always know there are people experiencing something worse but that doesn’t necessarily make our difficulty any easier to bear.
Praying too that there is someone who can reach out to you who has walked this road. Take care.
April 16, 2009 at 5:53 am |
Joyce said a lot of what I wanted to say. I’m praying for you, too. I know there has to be a group near you for parents going through this. Or even private counseling might be more helpful. I will admit that it’s harder for me not to compartmentalize this sin for the same reasons you stated, but honestly, I know that my own sin is just as disgusting to God. But he loves me anyway. I want to extend that same love to people whose habits and hang ups are not easy for me personally to abide. All I want to say is that I think about you and what you’re going through. You can vent to me any time, even in private by emailing.
April 16, 2009 at 7:25 am |
Same here, I would be happy to give you my perspective on the heartbreak that comes with the difficult choices that our adult children make. Give me a shout at my email!
Robin
April 23, 2009 at 8:45 pm |
I’m so glad you left a comment today. My heart goes out to you. Praying God’s mercy and grace pours through you as you love your son. I think, as a mom, you just love him…just like you always have. God will deal with the heart issues.
Adding you to my google reader…